Wednesday, July 19, 2017

King of the druids

A British tourist asks me to sign a petition on behalf of ‘King Arthur Pendragon’, a self-appointed 'druid elder', who is in dispute with an organisation that manages historical sites in England.

“My dear fellow,” I reply. “I could not possibly sign a document without knowing the particulars of the case.”

“English Heritage want to charge visitors £15 for parking their cars at Stonehenge,” he explains. “This violates the religious freedom of druids, who have been praying there for 5,000 years without parking charges.”

“Is that so?” I reply. “Well, worthy though this cause may be, a gorilla cannot take sides in a quarrel between humans. Nevertheless, you may tell King Arthur that I fully support his right to freedom of worship.”

“Hum,” says the man, frowning. “I’ll try my luck with the humans.”

I later find a newspaper report about the dispute, which clarifies a number of issues. It seems that the aggrieved druid changed his name to ‘King Arthur Pendragon’ because he thinks he is a reincarnation of the original King Arthur. However, the original King Arthur was a Christian, not a druid. And he wouldn’t have made a fuss about paying a parking charge of 15 pounds sterling. A king does not trouble himself about such trifling sums.

All of which suggests that this modern-day ‘King Arthur’ is a colossal ignoramus, who is more likely a reincarnation of Chico Marx or Meadowlark Lemon. I’m glad I didn’t sign the petition supporting his cause. Rather than being allowed to park free at Stonehenge, he should be banned from visiting the site altogether. The place is rapidly becoming a campsite for bearded charlatans and New Age cultists, which is spoiling the experience for bona fide tourists with cash in their pockets.

In truth, no one knows what Stonehenge really signifies. The prehistoric men who built it left no manuals or user guides. Everyone assumes it’s some kind of pagan religious site, but it actually looks like a pile of baby bricks assembled by a giant baby. Who is to say that it wasn’t used as a leisure facility? There are many games that humans could play at Stonehenge, including hide-and-seek and peek-a-boo. If baboons lived there, they would play a game called “pissing-down-on-people-from-the-top-of-a-boulder”. The neo-druids and baboons could contest their rival claims to the site in a sporting event. My money would be on the baboons.

Religion, of course, is a touchy subject for many humans. If any druids were to read this post, they might think I was mocking their faith, which could provoke them to leave a hostile comment. In reality, I know nothing about the neo-druidic religion. It must very different from the religion of the ancient druids, which included many practices that would now be illegal or grossly indecent. The modern druids may simply be harmless eccentrics who like wearing robes and chanting spells. If they’ve got nothing to hide, they should come out and make their case in a public forum. You won’t win anyone’s trust by lurking in the shadows like a thief.

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Stonehendge is made of tall, hard, erect rock that have withstood the test of time. I wonder if it was created for a Viagra publicity campaign, GB.
Druids drive cars? That seems counter-intuitive.
Fifteen British pounds seems like a lot to look at an ancient erection.
Trying to be King Arthur would be a helluva lot of work, in my opinion..... too much effort for me. I much prefer being more akin to Don Quixote (in Man of LaMancha mode) myself, since it comes so naturally to my befuddled mind. I could also potentially be Arthuresque in mindset if I could channel the ethos of Monty Python's version of the search for the Grail. Nee!
I thought Druids didn't drive cars? Anyway, why not take the bus? It's a nice bus.
A entertaining read, but these kings are just so hard to work with. Just leave these things to a queen, and be done.
stonehenge can be whatever you want it to be.
I wonder if Stonehenge was erected as a cosmic joke to confuse people in the future.
I don't know much about druids but that's interesting.
Chico Marx or Meadowlark Lemon?!? My lord! Where did you pull those names out of? Both American contrivances. I doubt many people know who they are.

Donald Trump was once thought of as a harmless eccentric. Look how that turned out.
The plot thickens, Mr Gorilla Bananas. An ancient burial chamber has been unearthed underneath Stonehenge. Maybe this guy is King Arthur risen from the dead. And...maybe he's not.

Robyn: It is possible for an erection to be too hard, Robyn? I've asked this question before and got different answers. ;)

Harry Hamid: The modern druid drives a car and heats up his potions in a microwave oven. It's called progress.

Jono: Parking space is at a premium because of the tourists. One assumes they're trying to discourage the riff-raff.

Pipe Tobacco: I'm sure you're less detached from reality than the noble Don, Professor. Would your good lady think you're closer to Lancelot than Arthur?

Shoshanah: Only civilised tourists take the bus, Shoshanah. The natives have a sense of entitlement which induces them to park their cars on the site.

Mistress: You are so right, Mistress! Queens don't feel the need to swish their swords in public! England loves her queens - many have appeared in Christmas pantomimes!

Anne Marie: Anything you want except a Jacuzzi, Anne Marie. :)

Pop Tart: It's a joke that produced no laughs, Ms Pop Tart. Everyone takes it very seriously.

Mary: I hope have stimulated your curiosity, Mary. You could easily make yourself an expert on druids. :)

Exile: If Chico is American, why did he speak in an Italian accent? Anyway, he and Meadowlark are famous all over the world. How would you rate Meadowlark against Michael Jordan?

Jules: Really, Jules? Is there a body in it? If it's empty they could have a vampire on their hands!
for 15 quid a guy should be allowed to carve his initials in the one of the big rocks.
Nigel Tufnel once said it was built by the druids but no one was sure who they were . . . or what they did. But I like the giant baby theory the best. That's hilarious.
On the other hand, Stonehenge could have been created by the ancients purely for the goof...
"Hey, what say we put big boulders in circle?"
"Why do that?"
"For goof. It confuse hell out of archaeologists."
"How bout I put mammoth bone next to one from Thak, man who try to catch mammoth that fall off cliff?"
"Good one!"
There are no parking fees at any of the other stone circles around Europe ... what's so special with with this one that you have to park next to it. As said: the bus is lovely!
Mr Rosewater: Putting down the resulting druid riot would cost a lot more than £15.

Dr Ken: Could the druids have been giant babies? There's a new theory worth considering!

Al: If the men who built it were like Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, you may have a plausible theory.

Viking girl: The bus is lovely for tourists, Ms Viking. The local druids think they deserve reserved parking spaces.
Was King Arthur a Druid? Or was there a King Arthur even? I hope there was, and we could definitely use a reincarnated version of him as well.
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