Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Another internet scam

Have you ever taken Hatha Jodi? It’s a magical Indian root that will give you mellow thoughts and a tingling sensation in the toes. The Hatha Jodi plant is very rare, grown only in a handful of holy sites, but many online retailers are now offering the root at very reasonable prices. Suspecting a counterfeiting operation, the Indian police acquired samples of the merchandise to send to a laboratory for analysis. It was then discovered that the roots being sold online were actually dried lizard penises.

Before discussing the implications of this disturbing discovery, let’s pause to pay tribute to the scientists who determined what the fake roots really were. To identity a few scraps of dried flesh as lizard penises must have involved some fiendish detective work with microscopes and test tubes. Sceptics might wonder whether they could really tell the difference between a lizard penis and a crocodile clitoris, but the reliability of biological tests is not to be questioned. You can’t argue with science.

Now let’s get back to the substance of the matter. This fraud is clearly a serious crime on several different levels. We must face the appalling fact that millions of people have eaten dried lizard dicks on false pretences. This probably did them no physical harm, and might have even helped their digestion, but the psychological consequences should not be pooh-poohed. No one likes to be tricked into eating a penis – for a vegetarian, indeed, it could be a life-scarring event.

The most pitiable victims, of course, are the lizards. There’s something particularly horrible about being hunted for your todger. Even a reptile would have been driven insane with fear when contemplating such an ignoble fate. It’s also incredibly sexist that only male lizards were targeted. Removing so many of them from the ecosystem would have ruined the gender balance, resulting in an oversupply of females. The surviving males might have enjoyed this for a while, but the novelty would have worn off pretty quickly. Being surrounded by sex-starved females will sap the loins of the horniest stud.

Justice demands that the retailers who sold these lizard organs should pay damages to the victims. As well as giving full refunds to those who bought the goods, there should be compensation for every lizard penis eaten in ignorance. It’s difficult to assess what sum would be appropriate – I would start the bidding at ten US dollars per appendage consumed. As for the lizards, it’s sadly too late to help those that have perished, but fines could be paid into a fund to protect the survivors from poachers and give them the counselling they need.

The deeper question, however, is whether scams like this are inevitable when people think some species of plant has magical properties. I’ve eaten hundreds of roots in my time, and all they gave me was calories and wind. This Hatha Jodi sounds like a quack remedy cultivated by devious Indian Swamis to trick gullible Westerners into parting with their cash. Feed it to the baboons. 

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I find that margarita offers the same benefits and is probably cheaper than Hatha Jodi ( which, incidentally sound like a marvellous Indian whore moniker)
Oh, look, a lizard penis. Nice.
On a totally separate note, did you know that the female clitoris is the size of a courgette? No, me neither. Oddly, I find that rather off-putting. But, I digress…
People buy into all sorts of codswallop, Mr. Gorilla Bananas and if you’re that gullible then swallowing a tiny lizard penis is your comeuppance.

I don't know about a cucumber, but mine is only 1 inch long...a little stub of a thing.

"there's a sucker born every minute" said P T Barnum. here is a prime example - those people that would buy this "root". I feel sorry for the cute lizards.
Those poor lizards. Somewhere, some very angry, bitter, castrato lizards wander the earth.

How does lizard penis taste with a nice chianti, I wonder?
Hatha Jodi was one of my favorite characters in Star Wars. Crazy looking dude. Those feet he had but somehow still fit into a military uniform.

Sorry to hear he's causing problems in India.
OMG! Now food faddists have to worry about lizard dicks?
Mellow thoughts and tingly toes? Seems more like a thing men would eat for better sexual performance. That kind of thing always sells. It also never works and decimates a species, but who am I to question free market strategies?
There are lots of cams out there but dried lizard penis? eww that's just gross.
Jules: Surely the size of the female pleasure button varies with species, Jules. Maybe a she-elephant is hung like a courgette.

Anne Marie: Wow, Anne-Marie, you're huge! Thanks for sharing that with us, Big Girl!

Exile: Healthy food supplements usually taste awful, with or without the chianti. I fear the lizards died before they could begin new lives as eunuchs.

Harry: His nickname was 'Jodi the Butt'.

Pop Tart: A true faddist would relish eating a crisp lizard dick, Ms Pop Tart!

Jono: A holy root has many beneficial effects, including improved sexual performance and a better golf swing. Tiger Woods used to take it.

Mary: Wouldn't you try it, Mary? It might be yummy!
I really feel for the sex starved female lizards, GB. I know what it's like to want penis and yet to not have any available because it's been devoured by others. The struggle is real.
So....were the lizards able to live their lives without their fun stick?
Seemed to work out okay for Bruce Jenner.
Robyn: One day there will be a world where all females have access to a penis, Robyn. The dream lives on...

Al: There's a big difference between robbery with violence and throwing out the garbage.
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