Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Putting a seal on it

An American tourist tells me that a US Navy Seal is not an animal with flippers that makes unpleasant barking noises. Apparently, the Seals are daredevil commandos who visit remote locations to confront bad guys in need of assassination. I use the computer at the safari guesthouse to confirm this description is essentially correct. However, the Seals are considerably more versatile than the American public imagines them to be. A few minutes of judicious googling leads me to an article about Chief Special Warfare Officer Joseph Schmidt III, who is rumoured to have starred in lesbian-themed movies such as ‘Strippers Come Home Horny from the Club’ and ‘Apple Smashing Lap Dance’.

The details are somewhat murky, but it appears that Officer Schmidt was encouraged to pursue this line of work by his wife, who is a successful porn actress. This is what she said about her husband’s situation:

“He was always pretty open about it with the command. I mean, honestly, all of his buddies knew about it. He got called in and they said, ‘Look, keep it on the low, don’t mention the SEAL name and blah, blah, blah.’ “

But now that the lid has blown off, the Seals have launched an investigation into what Officer Schmidt has been doing under their noses:

“There are prohibitions on behaviour that is discrediting to the service,” explained Captain Jason Salata, a spokesman for the Seals.”

For my part, I don’t see what role a barrel-chested fellow like Officer Schmidt would have in such movies. I can’t believe a single lesbian on Earth would find him attractive, so what does he contribute? The manager of the safari camp is an aficionado of lesbian porn, so I ask him how a man could have a starring role in this genre of entertainment.

“Oh, you poor innocent ape!” he sighs, shaking his head sadly. “All the best ones have men in starring roles.”

He then gives me a brief lecture on the topic, describing the following parts that male actors have played:

• the loyal slave who performs various tasks for his lesbian mistress, which may include keeping her toys in serviceable condition;

• the Peeping Tom who furtively watches lesbians until he is discovered and punished for his voyeurism;

• the cuckold whose wife is seduced by a lesbian and must face the humiliating truth that she prefers girl-on-girl action to anything he can provide.

Call me an old-fashioned ape, but I don’t think any of the roles described above are compatible with the ethos of an elite fighting unit. A man in military service can’t appear to be pussy-whipped by lesbians. The enemy might think he was a coward whose finger would tremble on the trigger. If I were in the Seals High Command, I would require Officer Schmidt to submit the scripts of the movies he is offered a role in, and forbid him from accepting any part where lesbians bully him into submission. Artistic freedom is a wonderful thing, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

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I had not heard about this...interesting. the SEALS were the guys who killed osama bin laden.
And I can only imagine his comaocasey missile is probably confused on where to fire.

on a side note Gorilla, did you know Anne Marie is a daredevil commando?
It sounds like an interesting second job! Do they not pay Marines enough?
It makes sense. I mean, someone has to deliver the pizza.
I imagine he's gotten lots of high-fives and admiration from his fellow Seals, GB. The Navy probably wants to be voyeurs under the guise of conducting a high-level investigation.
I hadn't heard about this but it doesn't surprise me.
i wish all seals would make movies rather than eating the salmon i love.
Anne Marie: They found porn on Bin Laden's PC too! I wonder if if he had watched any of Officer Schmidt's films?

Mistress Maddie: Are you implying she's a daredevil who 'goes commando', Mistress? I could well believe that!

Pop Tart: They probably don't earn as much as a porn star, Ms Pop Tart.

Harry Hamid: Do people still watch pizza delivery porn? I can't believe anyone is still flogging that dead horse.

Robyn: Haha, Robyn, you understand the military mind so well!

Mary: Your intuition is better than the average person's, Mary.

Billy: A few of them appear in nature documentaries, but I don't think they get paid for their work. Let's hope there's enough salmon for everyone!
I shouldn't laugh but I think cuckold porn is hysterical. Schmoe porn, too. They are utterly void of anything titillating.
So basically they emasculated a Navy Seal. That won't do.
Perhaps he felt he needed to balance out his raging testosterone.
I think Navy Seals should only do gay man-on-man porn.There was this old SNL skit where they had the Indigo Girls doing gay porn, and they just hopped in bed and fed each other organic homemade yogurt. If porn movies were really like that, I think a male Navy SEAL would be an AWESOME addition. Sadly, I don't think organic homemade yogurt is usually on the porn movie agenda, although I never watch porn and my whole impression of it comes from late night comedy skits. And your blog.
Exile: I don't know what schmoe porn is, but it's already hilarious!

Jules: Tough guys often have strange fantasies, Jules. Make some enquiries the next time you visit Texas. :)

Shoshanah: This blog is not an authoritative source on porn. I want to make that clear before anyone gets misinformed. I try to focus on the human interest angle. :)
WHAT? But that's all I was reading it for! Now where will I find porn on the internet?
I've been going commando since 1977!
I guess a Navy Seal has to do something with all that excess energy
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