Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Hitting the sweet note

Can the right musical note, played in the right way, give a woman an orgasm? It’s not a question I’ve spent much time pondering of late. Indeed, I never knew it was a question that anyone pondered until recently, when an American tourist told me it was an urban legend among the hard-rocking fraternity. I later found a website which purports to look at the scientific evidence for this phenomenon.

Long-standing readers of this blog will know that no one has greater respect for human science than Gorilla Bananas. Einstein, Freud and Dr Ruth are gurus and idols to me. If scientists put their heads together they will solve the mysteries of the Universe. If rock musicians put their heads together they will give each other lice.

As every physics student knows, sound is a compression wave that propagates through matter. If the wavelength of a note is perfectly synchronised to the dimensions of a lady’s coochie, it is entirely feasible that a resonance effect may occur, causing the coochie to vibrate like a Hamilton Beach blender on full-speed setting. I was sorely disappointed to find that such theories and conjectures were not discussed in the above-mentioned website. The only “evidence” cited was an unverified statement from someone who claimed his girlfriend starting gasping when he played a note on his Blaster Beam:

“I had the odd experience of watching her eyes glaze over as she half fell into a chair breathing hard. ‘I like that sound,’ she managed to get out in a whisper.”

I suspect this fellow wouldn’t know the difference between a woman having an orgasm and a woman suffering from indigestion. Another comment on the website injected some much needed common sense into the debate:

“Try using your penis, dude!”

The glaring omission in all this chatter was a statement from a woman saying she had climaxed in this way. For why would those who have enjoyed such an experience want to keep it a secret? There are certainly more embarrassing ways for a woman to have an orgasm. I’ve read confessions from ladies who were jerking up and down on a horse or having their big toe sucked. Listening to a musical note would be a quick, clean kill by comparison. All the women’s magazines would constantly be discussing it, giving precise and detailed instructions to their readers.

The sad conclusion we must draw is that there are men who fantasize about getting women off without putting in the hard work. Maybe they lack the patience or technique. Or maybe they find the whole idea of stimulating a lady’s cha-cha unappetising. Human culture must accept some of the blame for this. We live in a world where phallic symbols are all over the place, while pussy symbols are practically taboo. This must change. If you don’t teach boys how to venerate the vulva, they’re not going to give it the attention it deserves when they come face-to-face with a real one.

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for me, it's on top or nothing. and no, music has never played a role.
"Can the right musical note, played in the right way, give a woman an orgasm? " Hell, the right note has made me sing opera!
If the wavelength of a note is perfectly synchronised to the dimensions of a lady’s coochie... Not only is that the best line I heard all year (yes, it's March) but it also explains why all I need to do is open my mouth and speak for the Missus to drown me in a verbal orgasm, or so it would seem. I'm told she's cursing my existence but I'm slightly begging to differ. Thank you for clearing that one up for me.
Hard work is right. Romance and flattery is exhausting. And it can be very, very expensive. If this were to actually work, women wouldn't need men. That'd be a tragedy. Wouldn't it?

With tags like that, you'd better get ready for a flood of erectile dysfunction spam.
For what it's worth, for some people taking the drug clomipramine coupled with yawning can induce orgasms in some women.
Dreams yes. Music, sadly, no.

....I need to invest in this clomipramine maybe
Venerate the Vulva sounds like a good name for a band or a social movement. I wonder if humming while doing a little fine dining would enhance the effect?
Anne Marie: Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Whoever's below will have a great view of your jahoobies!

Mistress Maddie: Would you like to play Carmen, Mistress? I think you may have the appetite for the role. :)

Blue Grumpster: Thank you, Mr Grumpster. You may use any lines you read here on your wife or any other deserving listener.

Exile: I doubt women will ever completely abstain from men. Don't forget they already have all the toys. And some of them want to have babies.

Pop Tart: How fascinating, Ms Pop Tart! But can women yawn whenever they want to? I thought it was some kind of reflex.

Mich: You must have some pretty good dreams! Do you wake up right afterwards?

Jono: I'd like to see a boy band use that name. It would have to be a deep hum with plenty of vibrato. :)
This was beautifully and skilfully written.

What a load of old tosh, though. The only notes that would get me climaxing are the sound of millions of crisp, fifty pound notes raining into my bank account.
I think any music I performed would not give a woman an orgasm, but it could very well give one some genital warts.

I might have an orgasm if someone wrote a really beautiful song about me, and they sang it to me... while having sex with me.
i think my wife is deaf.
If I had a dollar for all the times I needed to shout, "Um, try using your penis, dude!" Oy vey, GB, I'd be rich, I tell ya.
I've had a few orgasms in my dreams but sadly never from listening to music.
South Park did an episode about there being a certain musical frequency that makes everyone crap their pants. Either way this type of technology in the wrong hands could be very dangerous.
Jules: Why thank you, Jules! The 50 pound notes might sound better in you put them in a bath and jumped into it. :)

Dr Ken: You could work for the military as sound warfare expert, Dr Ken! It might not kill the enemy, but it would certainly damage their morale.

Shoshonah: I think you'd need to test that out, Shoshonah. Mixing two different pleasures can produce sensory overload.

Mr Rosewater: Maybe it's time to try a hearing horn on her.

Mary: You too, Mary! It must be a common experience for women.

Jimmy: I remember that episode! The "wrong hands" would be Eric Cartman, but couldn't we trust Butters?
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