Friday, June 24, 2011

Hef is spurned

I sent a condolence card to Hef on hearing that his 25-year-old fiancé had jilted him shortly before the date of their wedding. Hef and I have had our differences in the past, but I’m not the sort of ape to kick a man when he’s down. In actual fact, the only men I’ve kicked were strutting so conceitedly that they were practically airborne. I wrote a little message in the card, advising Hef against stifling his sorrows with Viagra and orgies. A man of Hef’s age has to take his debauchery in small doses to avoid dehydrating his vesicular glands.

When I first heard the news, I assumed that the bride-to-be had got cold feet because the prenuptial agreement had been too stingy. Then I discovered that Hef was so smitten with Miss Crystal Harris that he intended to marry her without a pre-nup of any kind. Did you ever hear of such a thing! She would have become the most eligible future widow in America! Could she have suffered an acute attack of revulsion at the prospect of Hef rubbing his reptilian face over her milky-white flesh? No, that can’t be true: she must have got accustomed to such ordeals during her time as a playmate in the mansion. A woman who prostitutes herself for a wage doesn’t refuse to prostitute herself for a fortune. 

Media gossips have not been slow to suggest other reasons for the cancelled wedding. One sordid allegation is that Crystal was offered half a million bucks to turn Hef down at the altar in front of millions of gawping TV viewers. A humiliation of that magnitude would have made Hef grimace like a badger with its tail in a trap, arguably justifying the fee. If this rumour is true, one would hope that pangs of conscience persuaded Crystal to abort the dastardly scheme. She may have also realised, as the fateful day drew near, that behaving like the nastiest hussy in America would not have advanced her career prospects. 

Crystal gave her own explanation in a tearful TV interview, claiming that her fiancé’s promiscuous lifestyle had given her second thoughts. Noting that Hef was constantly being canoodled by blonde floozies like herself, she said that playing the part of Mrs Hef would have been too painful for a maiden of her homespun sensibilities. 

“Marriage is supposed to be about two people,” she remarked succinctly. 

This is very true – but did the implications of being hitched to the world’s most famous lecher only dawn on her a few days before the wedding? I’m not the sort of ape to accuse a woman of lying, but you have to wonder. It’s possible, of course, that Miss Harris is simply not very bright. The world is full of stupid beautiful women who get into a muddle after receiving a marriage proposal from a rich man. If that’s the real explanation, we should wish Crystal well and advise her to consult an agony aunt the next time a suitor asks for her hand. If she keeps on breaking off engagements at the last minute, people will start calling her names like “flippertigibbet”, which might tarnish her reputation.

Gorilla Bananas is taking a short vacation and will return on Monday 4th July.

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i wonder if she will stay on at the mansion?? that way they could still be a 'couple' at times.

if she doesn't, i hope (pray) that at least she will keep taking her kit off.
Perhaps it wasn't Hef at all; perhaps it was the money. I mean, to come from nothing (this of course, I'm assuming) and to suddenly be confronted with acres of wealth; well, it boggles the mind. Or perhaps more sinisterly, Hef demanded that she never appear anywhere nude again and she just refused. After all, many people ENJOY strutting around nude for the benefit of others. I'm sure, as a Gorilla, you could concur with this? And perhaps, shed a little light on the true joys of life au naturel?
I can only say that all is fair in love and war, GB.
A vacation? Interesting timing...Are you the reason she canceled the wedding, GB? I bet she's into handsome hairy apes like you. Hef can't compete.
Have a great time away.
Marriage is about 2 people? Maybe she was hoping his fortune would be about 2 people; Hef's executor and herself... everybody else being cut off. Call me a cynic but I don't think any part of this story is about love or even sex. It's about money. And you're right - if she can't see that she'd got more for marrying him than not marrying him then she's too stupid to be a Hef playmate. And you can't get more stupid than that.
I think whoring your life for the media takes prostitution to a whole new level Mr. GB. In fact, it's an insult to all those Prostitutes worldwide that have to earn a living and feed the kids etc. etc.
Dull boy: I think she's outgrown the mansion, but I'm sure she'll keeping taking her clothes off in the line of duty. A woman must remain true to her calling.

Tennyson: You think we gorillas are naked in spite our lush hairiness? You have a narrow view of clothes, my friend. I can't believe Hef would demand exclusive ogling rights to a woman's body. It goes against everything he stands for.

Jaya: And gold-digging, Jaya. No prisoners are taken when fortune hunters are hunting fortunes.

Robyn: You're very flattering, Robyn, but she's not my type. Her eyes lack soulfulness.

Steve: Another rumour is that she was having an affair with Dr Phil's son. Dr Phil is a TV shrink who might be worth a bob or two. Maybe she's not as stupid as she appears.

Azra: Good point, Miss Azra. The honest whores of the world get a bad name because of the antics of a few bad apples. Crystal should apologise to them.
Dear me, Mr. Bananas, this leaves me terribly confused: Does refusing to marry certain and immense fortune make Crystal a gold-digging whore? Or does refusing to marry certain and immense fortune make her a dumb cunt?

And was it really Hefner's refusal to have a pre-nup that shattered her hopes of having a no-holds-barred access to his wealth? I'm having *such* a hard time keeping track of what this moronic slut is culpable of.

Sigh. The tortured minds of us poor folks, who have neither blonde deliciousness, nor billionaire ex-fiancés at our disposal :-(
i'm pretty sure hef has a back up plan.
1. i'm offended at the lack of brunettes around that place.

2. what is wrong with her NO PRENUP!!!

3. oh yea, wrinkly balls. that's what's wrong.
Perhaps the marriage would interfere too much with her charity work.

have a good holiday GB!
Perhaps he lied about his age?
Maybe she wants to get a degree from a university and spend her time doing clinical research in poor African villages.

Ha, but seriously, maybe she thinks Hugh Hefner's bedroom is a nice place to visit but she wouldn't want to live there. As for me, if I could stomach being pawed by a geriatric woman with a fortune in her bank account, I would certainly spend the 3-5 years married to her so I could inherit that beautiful, beautiful money. Oh, and I'd also do it for love, like Anna Nicole Smith did. In fact, she was so devastated by the loss of her hubby that she couldn't bear to go on without him.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.
"A woman who prostitutes herself for a wage doesn’t refuse to prostitute herself for a fortune."

how DARE you, GB? i am appalled and highly insulted that you would write something so damaging, so disgusting cruel, so misogynistic, so totally true.

oops. scratch that last one.
Rimi: Good points, Rimi, but you're forgetting she DID agree to marry Hef and only backed out a few days before the wedding. Was she confused? Or was something going on behind the scenes?

Billy: If Hef has a back up plan it will probably give him a bad back.

Bluntdelivery: Hef probably tries to de-wrinkle his balls with Oil of Olay, but I doubt it's effective.

Pearl: Charity work? Would that be giving teenage girls from poor families the opportunity to have a boob job?

Jaya: Thanks, Jaya!

Lady Daphne: I wouldn't put it past him, milady. It must be a shock for a girl to discover her 85-year-old fiancé is really 88.

Chris: Your lack of ageism is commendable. I believe Anna Nicole Smith's husband left all his money to his son, which may have contributed to her injured feelings.

Kage: I humbly beg your forgiveness. Would you like me to paint your toenails?
Crystal's reputation is already tarnished, by bucket loads of Hef's spunk.
at what point did it occur to her that he led a promiscuous lifestyle?

Whatever she does for a living - maybe she had enough about her to only marry for love? it could happen...
Poor old Hef. Have a great holiday GB, you'll be missed every moment.

Brooke x
She got a better offer. One that did not involve blue pills, flaccid pectorals, and a high risk of cardiac arrest during carnal relations. FACT.
There are simply no words...well, there are, but I'll just keep those to myself.

I hope you have a wonderful vacation, GB! Not to rush your vacation, but I do look forward to your return. :)
"Please, Hef," the young lass loudly fussed,

"A condom, with you, is a must!

With my allergies,

You're making me sneeze!

When you're not shooting BLANKS, you shoot DUST!"

Static: Are you sure human spunk can tarnish things? It's used as a bleaching agent in the Congo.

DFTP: You mean she became a born-again romantic five days before the wedding? Yes, I suppose it's possible.

Brooke: Thank you Miss Brooke, you're a real lady.

Number Eleven: Yes, that's another possibility - there's a rumour she was having an affair with Dr Phil's son. What makes you so sure it's true?

Frisky Virgin: Thank you, Miss Virgin, it's good to be back!

Joey Polanski: Your poetry surpasses that of Muhammad Ali in his prime.
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